All mixed up

In about an hour I see my Oncologist. I really do love my Oncologist, he's a great doctor it seems and he is very personable. But still, he's an O N C O L O G I S T.  When I see him, the big C is in my face.  I suppose I'm getting used to it, but not by choice or liking. 

So I see him today in about an hour.  Today's the day: the day we get the gameplan. I will start treatments this week, I'm thinking probably tomorrow or Wednesday.  It's all very, very real now.  Don't get me wrong, it became real the moment the diagnosis came flying out of my GI doctor's mouth.

But... this is different.  all the tests and the doctors appointments and the port placement and going here and there, and our heads spinning every which way has kinda lead up to this. 

I'm all mixed up emotionally, today.  I am feeling:

overwhelmed

relieved

tired

scared

disbelief

anxiety

anticipation

Suppose that's all normal.  It's weird, I was thinking earlier that I haven't really cried over this as much as I thought I would have.  Sometimes it feels as though the tears are there but they just don't come.  I try not to analyze it too much, and to just go with the flow. 

I am overwhelmed:  This is a whole lot of 'big girl' stuff. Nobody should ever have to deal with this. 

I'm relieved: Finally I'll be starting treatments and have some semblance of a routine.

I'm tired: Physically and emotionally. 

I'm scared: I'm scared of the treatments themselves. I'm scared of relapse after remission.

I'm in disbelief: Part of me still can't wrap my brain around the fact that this is really happening.

I feel anxiety: ALOT of anxiety. 

I am anticipatory: I wanna just get goin'. 

Life's about to get real different.