Merry Christmas!

I have to say that despite everything that's happened over the last month or so, this has been one of the best holidays. 

As usual, the first few days after chemo was rough.  This past Saturday we had her holiday Christmas party, which btw was amazing. Held at the Omni hotel, we partied and stayed overnight in a swanky room. LOL! 

Christmas eve day we drove to Louisiana to spend the day with her very large family. It was nice, a bit overwhelming with all those people, but definitely a good time was had by all.

This morning we woke up, and had our little Christmas. It was very nice. Our first technical Christmas together, as last year we didn't have our first date until December 29th. 

Spending the day today later with my momma and my love, looking forward to the rest of Christmas. 

Tomorrow, back to the real world... and chemo... but I'm surprisingly ok with that (for now, anyway.)

Merry Christmas!

De Ja Vu

I'm sitting here drinking Starbucks, and in 3 hours I'll be in a chemo chair. Hah, dejavu from last week. 

I've completely neglected this blog over the past week, chemo was kinda rough all around.

The infusion itself was 6 hours long, and the chemo room is packed. I hear it's like that pretty much all the time. It was chair next to chair next to chair. If you get a chair in the middle you can recline, but you can't use your table unless it's at the end. If you get a chair on the wall, you can't recline but there are random plugs that you can plug electronics in and such.  Meh. Oh well, you win some you lose some I suppose. 

The night of my first chemo I was feeling achy. The next day more achy and tired. The day after that no achiness but completely exhausted.  Then the following 2 days nauseated and vomiting.  And now we're back to it.I have chemo a lil later today, 11:30am.  This infusion and the ones from here on out should only be about 4 hours long.

That's about all for now. Peace <3

Starbucks & Chemo

So I'm sitting here on this lovely morning sipping on a pumpkin spice latte. Hard to believe that in 3 hours I'll be in a chemo chair for my first infusion.  I have some things to get done this morning around the house, trying to keep my mind occupied for a bit. 

My fiance is torn apart about not being there with me, she's blown through her PTO in the weeks that we've gone through thus far, and her boss is being so good about her taking off.  Plus, to be honest, I'd almost rather be there alone. I am going to try and look at it as my ' me ' time.  I'm gonna emotionally put myself in a bit of a bubble.  I have stuff to do, a couple of books, relaxing music, my cozy blanket and pillow... and of course my fuzzy socks. 

Not much to say this morning, but thought I'd check in on this blog... 

Unexpected

Went to the Oncologist yesterday, and it was not what I was expecting.  We got the gameplan, as far as when I start treatments and such, and just what we're looking at: both financially and length of time.

OUCH. on both accounts ☹

 
The financial counselor and my fiance both told me not to worry about the financial part, to just concentrate on my health and getting better. Hmmm, easier said than done.  There's a HUGE part of me that carries guilt about this. I know, I know, it's not something that was in my control, but still... Le sigh...

As far as how long this is going to take.  The bomb was: 2 years.  We were expecting 1 year, but with what they call "maintenance"  treatments, it'll be 2.  I'll have 2 breaks during those 2 years.  As well as tests, PETscans, and a couple of more endoscopies to see how the Cancer is responding.

Yesterday was an awful day emotionally, I was an emotional train wreck. Not quite sure how I'm doing today, as I just woke up and am sipping on some coffee and journaling here. 

I start treatments tomorrow. First treatment is SIX hours long. oy yoy yoy.

That's about it... Until next time...

All mixed up

In about an hour I see my Oncologist. I really do love my Oncologist, he's a great doctor it seems and he is very personable. But still, he's an O N C O L O G I S T.  When I see him, the big C is in my face.  I suppose I'm getting used to it, but not by choice or liking. 

So I see him today in about an hour.  Today's the day: the day we get the gameplan. I will start treatments this week, I'm thinking probably tomorrow or Wednesday.  It's all very, very real now.  Don't get me wrong, it became real the moment the diagnosis came flying out of my GI doctor's mouth.

But... this is different.  all the tests and the doctors appointments and the port placement and going here and there, and our heads spinning every which way has kinda lead up to this. 

I'm all mixed up emotionally, today.  I am feeling:

overwhelmed

relieved

tired

scared

disbelief

anxiety

anticipation

Suppose that's all normal.  It's weird, I was thinking earlier that I haven't really cried over this as much as I thought I would have.  Sometimes it feels as though the tears are there but they just don't come.  I try not to analyze it too much, and to just go with the flow. 

I am overwhelmed:  This is a whole lot of 'big girl' stuff. Nobody should ever have to deal with this. 

I'm relieved: Finally I'll be starting treatments and have some semblance of a routine.

I'm tired: Physically and emotionally. 

I'm scared: I'm scared of the treatments themselves. I'm scared of relapse after remission.

I'm in disbelief: Part of me still can't wrap my brain around the fact that this is really happening.

I feel anxiety: ALOT of anxiety. 

I am anticipatory: I wanna just get goin'. 

Life's about to get real different.

Sleep is overrated? Nope I think not!

I am still waking up every two hours around the clock. Despite my cocktail of night time medication. I saw my therapist last week and she agreed that having a good sleep schedule is going to be imperative to part of my recovery. I know that, yet my body wants UP.  Then of course, I try to lay there and get sleepy... and nada. 

I went to Diabetes Center of America today. I am also Diabetic, in addition to the Cancer.  I've been Diabetic for a while now, but it's been hard to control even with oral medication and long acting insulin. My diet isn't necessarily half bad either.  I'd assume the challenge to control the Diabetes, comes in part from the Cancer.  So, anyway, my doctor there is putting me on fast acting insulin as well, especially to offset how high my blood sugars are going to get when I start treatments. Between the treatments and the steroids, it's going to be a doozy. 

While in her office, I almost started crying. I choked back the tears. It hit me pretty hard, how difficult it's going to be to keep myself well during all of this. 

Coming down to the wire, though... It's early morning Saturday. I see the Oncologist on Monday, I see my surgeon for a follow up of the portacath placement next week. I'll be starting treatments next week as well. 

It's weird how unbelievably slow these last three weeks have gone. Between all the information dumped on us, all the preparation to get started with the Cancer treatments, and it's finally pretty much here. Part of me is relieved, actually. Probably more of me is relieved than not. Of course, I don't want to be going through all of this (duh) but at least I can see the light at the end of this waiting tunnel. 

We're going to see her family today is Louisiana. That'll be nice. Then tomorrow my dad is coming over :)

That's about it for now. Until next time...

Surgery

I had my portacath surgery yesterday, and begin cancer treatments soon. OMG, I'm in pain. Not only that I have been waking up every 2-3 hours around the clock. ugh. I'm quite annoyed and frustrated this morning. 

Just have to keep in mind that this is one step closer to beating Cancer. I can do this!

Finally moving along!

Finally we're moving along! I saw the surgeon this morning for a consult for my portacath placement.  Whew, seems complicated but here I go! I have the placement on Wednesday.  I'll be in the OR, under conscious sedation and such. I have looked up pictures of portacaths, and I have to say ewww... You can see it under the skin and it sticks out a bit.  Ah well. It is what it is I suppose. I have to admit I am kinda nervous for all of this.  Not just the surgery itself, but of course possible complications and the fact that after the surgery all the rest of this will begin.  I see my Oncologist next Monday and then [finally] begin this... um, journey? 

I've been in relatively good spirits over the last couple of days. My fiance and I saw my therapist yesterday, and that helped a lot.  I have a fantastic therapist. 

I'm still kind of bouncing back and forth emotionally, not so much anger but quite a bit of disbelief.  When I was filling out paperwork at the doctor's office this morning, I had to check under my current history "Cancer".  It felt weird. 

I have cancer.

I will be a cancer survivor.

This is not something I thought I'd face, especially so young.

My friend texted me this morning and she said they are learning about lymphoma in her nursing class.  She said "Jess, it's apparently very very rare that it's diagnosed in stage 1. You are a miracle." 

I had heard through support forums that diagnosis in stage 1 is almost unheard of.  Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful, but it's so surreal. The whole thing.  The fact that that measly endoscopy, looking for something else, caught something BIG... and much sooner than it should have been caught. AND, that the doc wasn't even going to do the endoscopy, but at the urging of my primary care physician, he went ahead and did it at the same time as the colonoscopy.  That's pretty freaking wild, if you ask me! 

So here we go. This has been the LONGEST three weeks of my life.  My fiance put it very well in therapy yesterday, she said "everything is moving SO fast, yet so slow, at the same time." Hah. That's an understatement.

That's where I'm at today. 

We'll see what tomorrow brings, but for today... I'm alright.