Friday, November 29, 2013

Another sleepless night

So, it's 1:30am on Friday night. We went out with a couple of our friends and had a blast.  We designated the night to "no cancer talk", and it was wonderful.

Of course, like always, I have a hard time winding down after going out.  So here I am 1:30am on a Friday night, wide awake.

and... it's still there.  The big C.  It's always still there. 

That's ok. I may not like it, but it's ok. I am trying to work at acceptance.  I bounce back and forth a lot between anger, grief, sadness, acceptance, and so on and so forth.  I suppose that's normal. 

I have a good support system, which I am grateful for. 

We go and see my therapist on Sunday. She's fitting us in on her weekend.  That meant a lot to me.

Monday morning I have my appointment with the surgeon for my consult. Then they are putting in the portacath. 

then... begins treatments.

I just wish I was started already.  I know, I know soon enough. To be honest though, this in-between stuff is driving me nuts. 

I am having coffee with a friend tomorrow (technically today.) I am looking forward to seeing her. Tomorrow night we are going out again with some friends, which will be nice. 

It seems as though a lot of what's going on lately is either emotional support - or distraction. Again, I suppose normal for where we are in the process. 

I have a feeling i'll be up for a while though. So NOT tired.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving

I have much to be grateful for on this Thanksgiving day. My fiance and I are spending it with my mom, who just moved back from Florida. I cannot remember the last time I spent Thanksgiving with her <3 

So in lieu of Thanksgiving, I am writing a short gratitude list.

Things I am thankful for this year:

  • My diagnosis. Even though I have Cancer, it's the best diagnosis we could have gotten.
  • Life! 
  • My amazing treatment team
  • My fiance
  • My family and friends
  • Warm cuddly blankets 
  • My animals 
It would be all too easy to get wrapped up in the downers of why this Holiday season isn't quite the same. I refuse to do that! The Holiday season is my favorite time of year, and I am set on enjoying every morsel I can get out of it! 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Emotional Rollercoaster that is Cancer

Up.Down.Up.Down.Up.Down. My emotions are on a rollercoaster ride. It really shocks me, both how one can have so many fluctuations in emotion, AND how one can handle such fluctuations in emotion and be o.k. 

This morning I was at peace. I was grateful. Now, just a few hours later I am feeling that depressive pull at my heartstrings.  I am still grateful, but my eyes want to close out all of this. Too bad when I close my eyes it's all still there. 

I find it strange how one can feel strong and weak at the same time.  That's exactly the place I'm at now.

I don't feel particularly drawn one way or the other, nor do I feel particularly bad... or particularly good. 


It was supposed to be simple...

I am sitting at Starbucks having quality time with myself, my journal, and my laptop. I am going to write my primary care physician a thank you letter. Unbeknownst to me, at the time, my GI doctor was only going to do the colonoscopy, and not the endoscopy. My primary care doc was the one who pressed the endoscopy.  Without that endoscopy they would not have found the lymphoma. Without that endoscopy, I would not have been diagnosed as early as I was, and things could potentially be much much worse. 

It was supposed to be simple. I was expecting to come out of it, the GI doc saying I fucked up my esophogus from 12 years of being Bulimic.  That I could handle. 

Cancer. 

Lymphoma.

It is with a grateful heart I sit down and write this letter to my primary care doc.  Yet, how do you adequately say 'thank you' for something of that magnitude?

So, sitting at Starbucks having quality time with my pumpkin spice latte on this cold cold winter morning I begin to write...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Results are in...

We were so nervous going to the Oncologist. A million things bouncing through our brains. It was a relief though, knowing we'd get some answers - and some direction.

The appointment could not have gone better.  The only thing that could have been better was for the doctor to say "ooops, we made a mistake... you actually don't have Cancer" 

So. The cancer is stage 1.  My bone marrow was clear, and there is no Cancer anywhere else in my body.

When we heard the new, my fiance and dad started crying. Surprisingly I didn't. 

The gameplan:

  • I have an appointment with the surgeon (who will be putting in my portacath) on Dec 2nd.
  • Somewhere between December 2nd and December 9th I will be having day surgery for the portacath placement
  • I see the Oncologist on December 9th 
  • Thereafter I will begin Rituxan infusions.
The first infusion will last 6 hours. After that I will be getting infusions once a week for 8 weeks. Thereafter I will get another scope to see if the cancer is responding.  After that more Rituxan infusions.  Then, hopefully I will be in remission.  The remission rate after all of that is an astounding 95%. 

I'm trying to stay in the moment, not think about the what if's... "what if I don't go into remission"... "what if it comes back..." "what if it spreads..." and so on and so forth.

Stay in the moment... be mindful of where I'm at in the here and now. 

The news was good.  The best we could have hoped for. 

It'll be a long road, but for now I am thankful. I am grateful.  I got this. Kicking Cancer's @$$ !


Monday, November 25, 2013

Today's the day

I met with my BFF for coffee this morning. I feel MUCH better. Today's a good day, thus far. I feel strong.

So, today's the day. I have my Oncologist appointment at 3:30pm. We find out all the results of my PETscan and Bone Marrow biopsy. We'll find out what stage the Cancer is in, if it's anywhere else in my body, and/or if it's in my bone marrow. We also will find out the gameplan: chemo and radiation schedule, how many rounds, what to expect, etc.

I met with a good friend of mine last night for dinner who works in the medical center at a large cancer hospital.  She seemed impressed with how much I have been proactive since my diagnosis, as far as getting my ducks in a row and such. I suppose I've impressed myself as well, and for now my head isn't full or reeling. I actually feel at peace today. 

Right now I'm actually thinking about my chemo bag ~ LOL. What to pack in it, etc.  I am thinking about the warmth of lots of fuzzy socks 
 

With that, I sign off for now... gonna hop in a very hot shower on this very cold and rainy day and get ready for my appointment. Peace


Sunday, November 24, 2013

My fiance and I took and overnight trip to lake Livingston as a way to get away before I start treatments. It's been lovely. I'm sitting outside, albeit freezing, and watching the sun rise. I feel a lot of gratitude this morning. When we return home, I'm meeting a good friend for coffee then another good friend for dinner.

I'm tired this morning. Didn't sleep very long last night, and have already been up for a few hours.

I'm anticipating tomorrow's oncologist appointment.

For today I'm going to try and stay in the moment and not look any further ahead than what's right infront of me.

Friday, November 22, 2013

A Fear of Mine...

I am filled with fear a lot these days. I saw this on a page I'm member of for Lymphoma support. This, this is a fear of mine as well...

"I think the hardest part of cancer treatment is at the end--when everyone assumes you're "cured" and you no longer need their help. You're in your weakest, most devastated state, plus you no longer have the mission you had when you began this journey: to kill the cancer. The cancer is toast, but so are you, and now, like a soldier at the end of war, you need help putting yourself back together, only everyone has gone home since they assume the war has been won." -Anonymous

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Late night oatmeal and other ramblings

It's 1:20am and I woke up ravenous. I have my PETscan at 9am, so I can't eat 6 hours prior to the scan.  I'm about 7 and a half hours out, so I'm eating OATMEAL ~ YUM! 

I'm awake... and what's on my mind? I'm getting tired already of getting poked and probed at.  I talked to my BFF yesterday, as well as my therapist. I also saw another good friend and my psychiatrist. To be honest it was a long grueling day. I ended it with a massive headache and a remedy of Ibuprofen and Ativan. I'm incredibly exhausted. Like, so exhausted I do not know how I'm going to have enough energy to get through what I'm about to go through.

Everyone has been so wonderful and supportive. I'm glad to know I have people to lean on. 

So the PETscan (as well as the bone marrow biopsy I just had) will reveal both which stage of Cancer I'm in, as well as if the cancer has spread to either my bone marrow or anywhere else in my body. That's a lot to wrap my brain around, but I'm trying to stay positive.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Good days Vs. Bad days

I have a feeling a lot of what will ensue from here on out is "today's a good day" or "today's a bad day." 

Hmmm... 

I went to Barnes & Noble this morning and bought some books. Knowledge is power. One of the books is for my fiance that teaches about nutrition and Cancer.  One book, I'm particularly excited about is called "Crazy, Sexy, Cancer Survivor." It seems to really set a good tone, has places you can write and questions that sparks your mind. 

Yesterday my fiance and I were talking about getting a Chemo bag together. 

My mom is a dialysis patient.  She has a dialysis bag. Filled with this and that: blanket, stuff to do, etc.

Me? A Chemo bag? The thought is chilling. 

But I do have my cuddle blanket, I have some books, my Kindle Fire.  Gotta brainstorm and see what else I wanna add in that. Perhaps a hoodie because I'll probably get cold. Of course I'll have to get an extra cell phone charger. 

With all of that said, today is actually a good day. I feel halfway human and kind of... empowered!

My hip is still killing me from the bone marrow biopsy yesterday. 

Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for coffee in the a.m.  The first F2F interaction with one of my friends since the diagnosis.  In the afternoon, I am seeing my psychiatrist.  They squeezed me in for a 3:30 appointment. 

Is it weird to say I can't wait for Monday?  That's my next appointment with the Oncologist.  It's THE appointment. It's when I get all my results, find out the game plan, when I start Chemo, how often, if the Cancer has spread yadda yadda yadda. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm terrified for Monday to approach, but at the same time I am antsy and anticipatory.

Right now all we've got is information.  And not a whole lot to go on. 

Le Sigh.

In other news, my fiance has been absolutely and completely amazing. I worry. I worry the toll this is going to take on her. I worry the toll this is going to take on US.  I'm really trying not to, I mean I certainly have a whole heck of a lot on my mind - and am about to have a whole heck of a lot more... But, still... 

Cancer sucks. But I'm gonna beat it. I have to believe that.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Sleepless in Texas

So, after dinner tonight I was gonna crash out. I took a Tramadol because my hip was hurting something fierce.  Crash out I did. For maybe a few hours.  Now my peepers are awake, my hip has this dull ache that won't go away. Despite my eyes being awake, I'm still exhausted.  I have a feeling this is going to just be one of many sleepless nights. I need to sleep, especially to keep my immune system up. Oy Vey.


Bone marrow biopsy down... Lots to go!

Just got back from my bone marrow biopsy. Can you say OUCH! The doc had to drill in two different places because my hip bone was too hard! Yea, no bueno. 

I did manage to make a joke in the midst of it, and said "Well, at least we know I won't get osteoporosis" LOL, ok it's the little things. Humor is a must in the midst of dealing with Cancer. 

Next up is my PETscan on Friday to stage the cancer and make sure it hasn't spread.  Monday we go back to the Oncologist to get all of the results and find out the gameplan (i.e. chemo schedule and such.) 

Feeling in pain (obviously) and emotionally tired and numb.  All I can say is... Here we go!

And so the journey begins...

Tests, tests, and more tests.  Today begins our journey. One that neither of us had asked for. Gosh I'm scared. I'm exhausted. 

I am bouncing back and forth between just about every emotion in the book, all within minutes. And it just keeps cycling. 

Right now, I feel numb. 

I have my bone marrow biopsy today. Friday I have my PETscan. Monday I see my Oncologist, and I'll find out the game plan: what stage cancer I'm in, if it's spread, and when I start the big C (Chemotherapy.)

I try to keep reminding myself that no matter how bad it'll suck (and things WILL suck) - that I will go into remission and then it'll be over.  My fiance and I will still get married, and live long lives together. 

I try to keep reminding myself that everything really does happen for a reason.

I try to keep reminding myself that life really is beautiful. It's good. I am grateful. Despite all this crap going on.

I try to keep reminding myself to remain positive and optimistic.

I am NOT alone.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

I have been sleeping horribly since the diagnosis. I know I need to sleep, keep up my strength. This will be the fight of my life. I can't seem, though, to sleep more than a few hours st a time. From what I've learned from other people this is completely normal. Hmmmm, normal or not, it is kinda sucking to be honest.

Sometimes a gal just needs her mama

My morning was rough... I called my mom and went over to her place.  We talked... for a long time... I cried a little. I got good mama advice. I got some general information that she was able to give me (she used to be an oncology nurse.) 

I'm still quite exhausted, I see a nap in my near future.  My head still hurts too.  And although my brain is reeling, it's reeling less. 

I love my mama. 

For now, I'm feeling better.  I'm sure that's subject to change, but for now I'll take it!

I'm having a rough morning. I'm so so exhausted today. I've slept maybe 9 hours since the diagnosis. I'm horribly achy. My entire body hurts. They said it was fibromyalgia. I try and sleep, but I can't. And my head... My poor head is pounding.

I cried a little this morning. I got in my car and drove around a little too.

I'm just exhausted, and I haven't even begun chemo yet.

Trying to keep a positive attitude though. Everyone I've talked to says that's key in beating this thing.

Introduction of Sorts

So here I am... A place I'd never thought I'd be.  Let me preface by saying that I am a writer by heart. I am emotionally in tuned, and the way I best express myself is by journaling/blogging.  

My name is Jessica. I'm 33 years old, and I have Cancer.

I was diagnosed 2 days ago.  I had gone in for a simple endoscopy, expecting something wrong with my esophagus, or worst case scenario Celiac Disease.  It was supposed to be simple.

Upon waking up I heard "we found a large mass." and "possible lymphoma." 

My very loving, amazing, and supportive fiance was by my side. 

Mass? Lymphoma? What? I thought. 

They did a biopsy. They following several days waiting for the biopsy results were pretty rough.

My doctor called me one evening. "I want to see you tomorrow at 10am. Bring your family so we can discuss." 

My fiance and I knew it was bad then... 
At my appointment my fiance and father were by my side.  L Y M P H O M A was about all I heard before I started crying. Before my mind shut off, almost as if that was a coping mechanism of sorts. 

I saw the oncologist that day.  The entire day was a blur. 

I have Non-Hodgkin B Cell Lymphoma.  

As of now I have a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday.  I have a PET scan on Friday. And I see my oncologist the following Monday.  They want to make sure the cancer hasn't spread.  They want to stage the cancer.

Everything is going to move so very fast from here on out... so fast. 

I'm scared. I'm already exhausted. I have a perpetual headache. Did I mention I'm exhausted?

Right now it's 2:45am. I'm tired, but obviously not sleeping. 

I need to sleep.  I've been hearing a lot about good sleep, good nutrition, keep that immune system up for when you start chemo... 

Did I mention I have a perpetual headache? 

So here we go. This is going to be the biggest test of my life, I do believe.  I am truly grateful for an amazing support system. A loving family, amazing friends, and the love of my life. 

I decided to start this blog. I have a feeling I'll need a writing outlet. So here I am. 

With that said, my name is Jessica. I am 33 years old and I WILL kick Cancer's Ass.