I thought it would feel different...

I had my endoscopy yesterday to see how the Cancer is responding to treatments.  Good news, it IS responding. The tumor is much much smaller.  

As I was wheeled into the procedure room, and getting set up, my GI doctor was telling the OR nurse and anesthesiologist about my 'case', apparently quite rare of a Cancer is someone my age.  My doctor looked at me and said "We think of police officers and firefighters as hero's, but I think of you as one. I only wish I was as strong as my patients like you." I got choked up, partly from what he said, and partly because I was going into my procedure not knowing where we were at with the Cancer.

When I woke up, my fiance was there. "It's so much smaller baby, treatment's working.  The doctor said you did it!" 

I lost it. Literally. Sobbing uncontrollably. 

Don't get me wrong, I am very very glad that the tumor is responding. So is everyone else in my life. The support is plentiful. Part of me though, is so so overwhelmed.  My therapist says it's all hitting me now. I'm grieving. Yes, I do believe I am.

The doctor did a biopsy, so for now it's wait and see. 

The biopsy results should be back in about a week. I see my oncologist in about a month. 

The endless cycle of doctors and tests and results and waiting and more doctors, and nurses... 

Even when I am in remission, Cancer will forever 'be' in our lives. 

For this is our 'new normal.'

Picking up the pieces?

The last month has been a rollercoaster of emotion, a balancing out of physical well being, and just plain seemingly crazy. 

I contracted a bad infection/abscess and dealt with that for a good two weeks.  Had to have it lanced and drained twice, once by the surgeon.  It was quite the ordeal, but thankfully it's O V E R! 

Emotionally, since ending my first round of chemo, I've been struggling. I am working on realizing that just because I 'feel' bad, doesn't mean I'm 'doing' bad.  My emotions have been all over the place, but I am grateful for my support system, plus my therapist is amazing. 

I have an endoscopy on Monday. We'll get some answers then. I'm nervous, scared, numb, confused... is the Cancer still there??? Is it responding to treatment ??? Is it gone ??? 

Then I have a PETscan in a month. 

In a way, this 'post' treatment stuff is harder then the actual Cancer. I know I still have a long way to go, best case scenario I won't be done with chemo until June of next year, but I have a feeling that emotionally I'll hit a dip each time.

Yet, I will press on...