Tuesday, March 11, 2014

I thought it would feel different...

I had my endoscopy yesterday to see how the Cancer is responding to treatments.  Good news, it IS responding. The tumor is much much smaller.  

As I was wheeled into the procedure room, and getting set up, my GI doctor was telling the OR nurse and anesthesiologist about my 'case', apparently quite rare of a Cancer is someone my age.  My doctor looked at me and said "We think of police officers and firefighters as hero's, but I think of you as one. I only wish I was as strong as my patients like you." I got choked up, partly from what he said, and partly because I was going into my procedure not knowing where we were at with the Cancer.

When I woke up, my fiance was there. "It's so much smaller baby, treatment's working.  The doctor said you did it!" 

I lost it. Literally. Sobbing uncontrollably. 

Don't get me wrong, I am very very glad that the tumor is responding. So is everyone else in my life. The support is plentiful. Part of me though, is so so overwhelmed.  My therapist says it's all hitting me now. I'm grieving. Yes, I do believe I am.

The doctor did a biopsy, so for now it's wait and see. 

The biopsy results should be back in about a week. I see my oncologist in about a month. 

The endless cycle of doctors and tests and results and waiting and more doctors, and nurses... 

Even when I am in remission, Cancer will forever 'be' in our lives. 

For this is our 'new normal.'

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