Friday, April 18, 2014

Coasting

Wow, it's been a little while since I've been here.  Let's see, where do I begin.  I had my endoscopy (I don't remember if I blogged about that yet), and unfortunately the Cancer is still there. 

I will have my PETscan on April 24th, and I see my Oncologist again on the 28th.  My birthday is on the 26th. Hmph, good timing. 

My love and I went on a lovely vacation to visit family in Virginia. Now we're back, getting into the swing of things with normal every day life. 

I had a horrible nightmare last night.  I dreamt I was in the hospital, hooked up to IVs and chemo, and I was... dying... 

I'm vacillating a lot lately between levels of depression and anxiety.  This 'coasting' in just killing me. I want to get back on the ball. Treatments, chemo, surgery, radiation - SOMETHING. Do something! I think it's just the amount of how out of control I feel right now. 

I have been having great sessions with my therapist. We are beginning to work on ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) specifically surrounding the Cancer, but obviously integrating it into other parts of my life as well.

Been thinking about my birthday lately too. I usually love love love my birthday.  It's the one day out of the year I truly dedicate to me, to self care, to treating myself, etc.  I'm actually kind of scared for my birthday to hit.  This year it'll be different. I'm scared to go 'too far into myself'. I am scared of dedicating the day to me, to really caring for myself, treating myself, loving myself... I am scared at what lies there now, now that everything is different.  I am scared of the fear. I dread it. I am angry because I don't want it to be there. Yet, it is. 

We are all going out for dinner at a local sports bar, and then we're going to a local gay bar thereafter. 

My fiance is also getting me a tattoo for my birthday, actually I'm getting it tomorrow.  I'm getting my dragonfly fixed on my inner forearm, and getting a cancer awareness ribbon added (my color for non hodgkin lymphoma, which is lime green.) 

Well that's it for now...

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